i haven’t used this blog in a very, very long time. and for that, i am sorry. i don’t know who i’m apologizing to, but i am sorry.
i suppose i’m just disappointed in myself.
junior year is over, and i’m still contemplating whether or not that is a good thing. sure, i had a lot of fun, but i also wasted a lot of time worrying about the not-even-quite-near future, when i should be out enjoying my youth and lack of responsibilities. but i’ve never been that kind of person. i’ve always worried about what’s next, what i need to do to get there, and i’ve always stressed myself out until i cannot funtion properly anymore.
actually, when i was younger, my mom used to tell me that i was going to give myself an ulcer from panicking. and you know what? she’s probably right. i am sixteen, but my nerousis hasn’t changed a bit in ten years.
sorry for rambling. actually, no. no i’m not sorry, because everyone deserves to ramble. every thought deserves a space in the air. they deserve to exist, just as any other living creature on this sad little marble.
i suppose i’ve grown a bit this year in terms of accepting myself. i (generally) no longer feel the need to hide my identity from myself and my friends. and while i spent a lot of time alone, i’d like to think i’ve become more self aware. i know i’m smart. i know i’m neurotic. i know i’m a decent human being. but i know i can do better.
i’ve fallen in love, too. the past nine months have been an emotional rollercoaster, beginning with the rush and intensity of first loves, and now slowing down, as her and i face the harsh reality of the cruel 100 miles between us.
there is no doubt in my mind that i love her. i really do. but i’m not quite sure if this is what’s best for us anymore. we were happy in the beginning; carefree, loving, happy. but now we are at a crossroads. she is going to school full time while trying to balance work and a long distance relationship. i am going to school and working part-time as well, however i have parents that ultimately control what i do. therefore, i cannot simply drop everything suddenly and see her. my mother will not let me. and she knows this. but i’m beginning to question if a long distance relationship is possible when one person is doing all the work.
so i’m stuck. the girl i love lives 100 miles away. and i hardly get to see her. but when i do, it is the most wonderful thing. words cannot not begin to express the utter happiness i feel when i look into those rich green eyes. yet, we can’t do anything. we can’t make this any better. and i don’t know if it’s worth it. the both of us are constantly sad, lonely, and jealous because of the distance. is it worth it? when we are hurting 75% of the time, are the few moments we have together worth it?
it’s hard to tell. i do think it’s worth it, but that’s just me. it is hard for me to watch her hurt so often. and as of now, i value her happiness over my own.
we will see how things go.
and so it goes.
